Tuesday, December 06, 2005

completed

I was our graduation day, and my last chance. There she was glistening like a divine angel, her beautiful brown hair rippling with the slight breeze, her hand swaying in tunes in which she spoke, so beautiful, so charming. I looked at her as if struck b some beautiful vision, breathing as if for the first time. She caught my eye and smiled causing me to turn into a deeper shade of pink than the one she was wearing. I tried to smile back but let out a stupid wide grin. Embarrassed I looked away.

She sits beside me two pony tails dangling from the sides of her head with Mickey-mouse rubber bands. She suddenly looks up, “Nathan let us go and play on the swing”.
With my half finished Tiffin box I looked up with innocent round eyes wondering why would anyone want to play on the swing leaving their lunch. But I liked Mrigankh so I jumped from the bench and obediently followed her.

The beautiful blue sky is sprinkled with wispy clouds. She is clad in the white uniform shirt and the cute black mini skirt. She suddenly clutches my hand,” Nathan look”.
A chill runs down my spine. Why though I wonder idiotically.
“Isn’t she beautiful”.
I look up pink till the roots of my spiky hair,”Oh yes”.
She realized I hadn’t seen the butterfly. When I was bounding at home my dad realized that my field trip was about something different. We are in the sixth grade and Mrigankh is my best friend.

It is prom night and Mrigankh is not my date. There she was, stunning in a beautiful red gown moving in rhythm with the music. Dancing with another guy. ‘Her guy’. His one hand around her waist with the other touching her cheek. I felt this mad urge to go and kick someone. The drink glass in my hand shattered without me realizing that, hot blood was dripping from my hand staining the grey pant I as wearing. I only realized it when Suhan, my date, screamt out loud. It was that night in my distressed and disturbed state I realized that it was not about some stupid crush I had on Mrigankh I was in love with her. But I never told her.

Not even when she came to me two years later after having broken up with Neil. It was then that I realized how fragile she was, when she sobbed uncontrollably in my arms. Tears streaming down her angelic face, she told me what big a mistake she had made by trusting Neil.

It was all very different then. As days rolled by Mrigankh grew close to me. She never got a guy after Neil. She was too busy building up a career. I loved her for that. But every now and then when I used to stare at her mesmerized by her sheer presence she would give me that stare. The one she gave when we used to eat lollipops together or cuddle up and read a book and she loved me too. But I never told her.

The evening was passing by pleasantly and I was getting nervous by the moment. She was standing with me and we were sharing a joke with some friends. Everyone suddenly looked at me perplexed and as if out of a trance I realized I hadn’t laughed at the joke but was staring at Mrigankh. It grew uncomfortable. My friends knew it but she looked mildly surprised everyone went for a dance. I wondered if it was the right moment.
“Nathan”, whispered Mrigankh.
I knew what was coming I looked into her blue eyes, forgetting my carefully rehearsed speech I fell down on my knees. It was now or never.
“Mrigankh I love you will you marry me”.
That day with 300 people looking and Mrigankh slowly smiling and everyone clapping as I hugged her I realize that everything had to be perfect, it had to have a happy ending. Mrigankh finally completed me.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The chill of the raw January morning cut into my skin despite the barrier of wools I was buried under. Some people would seize winter as an opportunity to remain tucked into the safety of their beds, I was going to meet Life and it made me walk on. Maybe it was time I told Ann, I pondered for the umpteenth time. It had been fifteen years of happy married life. I dint know how she would react to it. There are something’s in life you can never guess giving no heed to time. As her figure dawned at the horizon the thought of Ann was wiped out. As angelic as ever, she always took my breath away.
“Hi Khushi”.
“Hi Bruce”.
We hugged and sat on one of the benches lining the park.

I had never even in one of my wildest dreams thought I would love anyone more than Ann or Mike. That became history when I met Khushi. As beautiful as spring she breathed life into everything around her. Everyone got incessantly attracted to her. She was elixir. She reflected the beautiful world around her.

I still remember the grey morning when I first met her. I had thought she was one of those few lucky ones who had reason to be happy and made people realize what losers they are. I was proved wrong after being a few moments with her. She was indeed one of those who have you a reason to live. She grew on to becoming an intrinsic part of my life. It had been 8 months since this angel had stepped into my world. She was like a mirage behind which I ran in search of ambrosia.

“How wonderful was your day?” she asked.
“Just as wonderful as it could be”, I replied.
Out came the mesmerizing smile that made you feel nothing could go wrong after all.
“I got a promotion”, I exclaimed ecstatically.
“That’s wonderful”, she said.
There was a pain in her voice today, she was trying to conceal it, but hearing it made my happiness shrivel up. “Is everything fine?”, I was concerned. “Yes”, she lied. “People who can’t lie shouldn’t even try”. She smiled. “I lost my week worth’s wages yesterday”. I was shocked. I dint now what she did.
“What happened?” I asked softly
She hesitated. She was dancing on the street as usual and someone had just scooped her bag and walked away when she hadn’t seen. Something inside me cried out loud. I never knew this.

It was a routine we followed diligently. I met her for two hours everyday and gathered pearls of life and fulfillment from her. She became my pulsating need. I found solace and happiness which she radiated out. It made me want to fly in the bluey skies. Her innocence, her casual carelessness spelt of a different world with a sense of completeness. We spoke of simple everyday things. Never about her or about me. But she some how lighted a fire in me like a torch in a forest. It made me want to live to enjoy every moment of life. Whenever I met her I rebounded back with more energy wanting to do that extra bit in life. Don’t know how she did it.
But today was different. I held her close.

“Everything will be fine baby. I promise.”
She cried giving vent to all blocked up feelings. Every word she uttered was lke a blow to me. It was saying something to give reason to live to someone when you yourself don’t have a reason to survive. It was all so much calloused. She was an orphan with no one to care, living a life of utter impoverishment.
“Who would care if I died or lived”, she said.
It touched the innermost chords of my mortal heart.
“It would matter me. Everything is going to be fine “, I accentuated.
She looked up. I just realized how fragile everyone is.

I dragged myself home that day unable to take out her picture from my mind. The helplessness spoke volumes of the kind of life she lived and I couldn’t be just another spectator looking at her succumbing to the adversities of life. After all that she had done for me I definitely couldn’t.

Meeting her till then was a phenomenon I followed out of habit or addiction but now it had become a necessity. I spoke to Ann some how that day. The walls had began to close in and there was nothing else to do. The paperwork was going on and we just had to wait. Khushi dint know I wanted to give her a surprise. I hadn’t asked her but I was sure she wouldn’t say no.

It was a crisp morning with clouds circling the sky. Clad in her usual black she was waiting for me on the same bench. I went to her and sat down beside her. She looked up and smiled and the world fell into oblivion as usual.
“I want you to come home with me”, I said.
Ann was surprised when I told her about Khushi that day.
“She is wonderful”, I ended.
I looked down afraid to see the expression forming on her face.

I couldn’t read her face. It was the beginning of a new day. That is how Khushi Carter became a part of our family. Ann was proud of me of course. Why did I even doubt it? Ah…umm….I love her for understanding how important Khushi was for me. She agreed 12 years was too much considering Mike is only 3 but she was happy to have a daughter after all. Then as they say in the fairy tales ‘we lived happily ever after’.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Dumb-struck

I saw her coming through the corridor and as if in a trance I stared at her like an infant gazing at the universe unfolding before his eyes. She came and held my hand, “I Krish”, oh my, the same tingling sensation and rush of blood. Even after knowing her for three years I feel the same mesmerized by her sheer presence around me as if life has been instilled in me then and my entire existence depended on her holding my hand. Now what should I do, I thought stupidly.
I remember the bright crisp morning of the football match when I had first seen Michelle. It was a local football match between the teams of the two rival universities. It was a small oval field and there she was Michelle as beautiful and fresh as the morning dew. She was a classic American beauty. Standing on the opposite side of the stadium clad in a blue skirt and white tee, her beautiful blonde hair fanning behind her. I just sat there staring at her for don’t know how long and would have continued had not Lee upturned the popcorn cup on me. He was surprised, “I mean u like Michelle”, he exclaimed, “This is serious business”. It always was for Lee since she was the first girl I had ever considered all my life, after….umm…. Nikita but that was years ago when she had accidentally kissed me after finding me cute, in kindergarten. I hadn’t set my eyes on another girl. Being the epitome of tradition and duties it had upheld family values and done what should be rightfully done. But now I found myself succumbing to years of disciplined upbringing.
Her eyes as blue as the artic ocean I suddenly recovered as if breathing for the first time,” hi Michelle”, I managed weakly.
After exchanging pleasantries she introduced me to the “cute” guy with her. “Joshua is the same guy I told you about”. I screwed my eyes trying to remember. “The childhood friend I love a lot”. Oh yeah how can I forget that brat. Some dumb close friend she ranted about sometimes he was supposed to be an engineer. “he has come here for marriage”. The entire world slipped from under my feet.
It had been very hard getting Michelle address and number. But Lee was all into it. He was determined to get me set with someone so he got her number after all. After that seeing her had become the pulsating need. More of an addiction. I remember the maple tree standing behind which I used to look at her come through the stone stairs of her college building. It took me months to string two words and talk to her but after that it was all blizz. Meeting at the cafes with umbrellas under the sun sipping colado or catching up on some movie or tasting cheese at the Royals was a ritual we diligently followed. I wanted her to know me before I could actually ask her out some day. We became the best of friends and told each other everything. She told me about how she had to live like orphan all life with no one to care for her. Her parents had separated even when she was a little child and she had to go on in life on her own ever since. I told her about how I was over protected and over cared for and how I desperately wanted to break free and discover the world on my own and do something. The metamorphosis from a kid to an adult is so different and strange for different people. She liked my world and I liked hers. So on it went she becoming an intrinsic part of my life.
“Oh congratulations”, I said. “Thanks mate”, he said and then there was the buzz of his cell phone. While he spoke I looked around uncomfortably trying to figure out something that would provide solace and she looked at me puzzled. After he had finished talking on the phone he asked me to join for dinner but I declined, “I have an important meeting”, I lied and quickly retired home without looking at Michelle.
I cried all night and made up my mind. I got up all determined and went to the office and handed out my resignation letter. It was time perhaps to back to where I belong. I tried to avoid Michelle as much as possible the next few days. “Why are you doing this” asked Lee one fine day. “it only seems the right thing to do to let go”, I walked away. He knew everything. He was perplexed with the intensity with which something so right that seemed such a beautiful world had shattered and lost into oblivion.
It seemed like ages but it was only 3 weeks since I had last spoken to Michelle. I was standing in the queue of the baggage counter. After depositing my bag when I turned around I found her there two silent tears streaming down her face. I walked up to her. “im sorry I don’t know what I have supposed to have done but I just couldn’t let you go without letting u know that I love you”. I was shocked. “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me im sorry I couldn’t be the perfect one. I really dint want you to go go…..”, “but weren’t you marring Joshua?” It was her turn to be shocked. ”he got married yesterday with his childhood sweetheart Kate. Dint you know”, “you never told me”. “You never asked. Hey hang on a sec was this all about that?”. “Yes”, I quipped. “Great and you are going back to India because of that couldn’t you just ask I would’ve told you”. ”im not going back to India..”, “Lee told me….”. “Its that bloody dog who has done all this. I’m just going to the states for a couple of days they refused to accept my resignation and instead gave me a promotion”, I swelled with pride. She was fuming with anger, “wow”. I looked around knowing not what to do. “so”, she asked, “are you not forgetting something?”. “Am I “, I teased. “bye Krish”, she turned. I fell on my knees it was now or never. “Will you marry me Michelle?”
There couldn’t be a better date or a perfect timing. Well….the memory is still etched in our minds. It surprises me even today, a promotion and the courage to ask Michelle out. “Krish” she damn still mesmerizes me, “will you please change Kian’s clothes he has dirtied them again” .Ummm….. not as much as before,” Krish did you hear me”,. “Coming honey”. Something’s just end this way.

Friday, October 28, 2005

life and existence

i guess it ws one of those times when one gets very philosophical in life that i wrote this article it skinda very philosophical but its... cool?? read on to get killed( i dont want to prasie myself)

One can never understand the ways of life. Things our heart craves for he most usually turn out to be the most deceptive of all. One usually aspires to capture all dimensions of life in the small span of ‘being alive’ but the mortal form of the immortal soul fails to be the bridging gap between the world of dreams and aspiring ambitions with the true immutable present.

Nothing in life can be yours, not even your fantasies. One usually likes to run behind the mirage of pleasantry and what he finds to be the most beautiful meaning of existence. For two moments of happiness he risks everything to his very identity. But everything is an illusion. It plunges into oblivion and leaves him like a hollow shell. You can’t go back into the depths of time and revive pearls of moments once spent. One needs to know how to differentiate between a fleeting moment and a yielding one. One needs to know to despise the perishable one. One needs to realize what’s going to help in the long run two moments of happiness which will never be your and then pain or two moments of pain and then happiness in which everything is only your. The choice has to be made now or never.

Destiny for me

‘Destiny chooses the man’ the phrase goes. Yet it is very enigmatic to know that in the metamorphisizing world of today where things are changing from better to best it is usually the man who changes his destiny. But I belong to one of those unlucky species where dreams have been realized even before they have been seen and destiny chosen.

Right from the grass root level we have been parrot taught the ideals formed by our founding fore fathers which have led the family name to the pedestral of good name and honor and asked to dutifully follow it. it was and will remain immutable.

Even as the pellucid stream of life flows on and the kaleidoscope of time shows an ever changing picture of the world around there is very little we can do to devour ‘the expected’. the path has been laid and we need to trudge on it even with half a mind . there is nothing one can do to elope from the foretold. It is intrinsic to achieve what has been set as your goal in life even if it is at the cost of your desires and dreams. One needs to acclimatize to what’s been added into your crucibles of tomorrow. There is no faltering or abdicating.

Monday, October 24, 2005

poem:friendship

Your smiles that are brimming with love
Are like ambrosia to my courage
Your words are enthral all above
Are like tryst when the body and the soul merge

You tell me the immutable meaning of life
Through the ways of the pragmatic calloused world
You put in me the intrinsic essence to strive
And help me achieve the titans of my aspirations
which once seemed blurred

you render a helping hand
when the bolshie of troubles is killing me
you give me the courage to stand
when I know an oblivion is ll I could be

you become my reflection and my mirror
and whisper the clandestines of my ability
you help me know that im not just a commoner
and teach me the laws of successs through tenacity

you make me realize the enigmatic ways of existance
through the ensnared engrossed world around
you make me a human of substance
and imbibe cryptic values which are never found

you'll always remain sterling in my mind
I know you care for me
You're the pulsating need I'll no where else find
You were my friend my friend and will always be

poem:( well i cudnt think of a title....umm..read through though)

HISTORIES WRITTEN, TITANS PRODUCED
ALL ACHEIVEMENTS TO A FONT ARE REDUCED
WITH BLOOMING OF A FLOWER, WITLING IS THERE
BUT DEALTH DOES NOT STOP LIFE ANYWHERE

ILLUSIONS ARE LOVED, REALITY ABONDENED
BY THE TIDES OF TIME CORE OF LIFE HARDENED
BUT MAN COMES BACK FROM WHERE HE BEGINS
TRYING TO CROSS THE OCEANS OF TOMORROW BEATING HIS FINS

PEARLS OF KNOWELDGE YET HE ACHIEVES
BUT BY WAVES OF PEACE YET HE IS DECIEVED
THERE IS A BOLSHIE OF HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD HE LIVES
BUT SEASONS AND HAPPINESS LIFE TO HIM NEVER GIVE

LIKE A HAUNTING SPIRIT HE ROAMS FOR PEACE
MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS FROM HIS LIFE DO CEASE
FOR THE BLISS OF HAPPINESS HIS HEART CRAVES
BUT HE IS SWEPT INTO PROBLEMS, BY THE LIFE WAVES

STRUGGLING TO COME OUT, BUT TO PROBLEMS LIFE DOES HIM SEND
IN ACHIEVING THE UNDESPISED HIS LIFE ENDS
HIS LIFE AND ACHEIVEMENT ARE REDUCED TO A MERE STOCK OF SAND
AND SOME OTHER FILLS HIS PLACE IN THE LIFE'S COLOUR BAND

poem: the essence of life

THE DRIED, BLISTERED LAND LAYS UNTOUCHED
BY THE LIFE GIVING RAIN
IT GROWS MORE LIKE A BARREN MONSTER BEING SCORCHED
BETWEEN THE THIRST BLOWN SANES

THE MORNING ASCENDS UPON IT'S GOLDEN THRONE
IN THE FAMINE STRICKEN COUNTRY
WHERE THE MISERIES ARE BEING CLONED
NATURE IS CREATING MAN'S CEMENTRY

MEN WITHOUT WATER MEN WITHOUT FOOD
WERE DYING IN CORERS AND LANES
THE DEATH MONSTER WITH ITS HOOD
WAS MOVING BEING IN THE BANE

NOW PEOPLE TURN TO GOD'S GRACE
IN THE HOPE OF GETTING BACK LIFE
WHERE THE COUNTRY WAS COVERED WITH BRIGHT YELLOW ORANGE LACE
AND TO LIVE IT WAS TIME TO STRIVE

GOD WAS TOUCHED AND MOVED BY THE FALL
AND SENT THE PELLUCID WATER ON THE EARTH
IT WAS JOY, SEASON AND LIFE FOR ALL
AND THE PLANET GOT A NEW BIRTH

AS DROPS OF THE DIVINE WATER SPLASHED ON THE LAND
THE EARTH WOKE UP WITH AN IMMORTAL BLESSING
WITH A BLOSSOM WOKE UP EVERY GRAIN OF SAND
LIFE WAS RFLECTED IN EVERY SURROUNDING

Poem: mum

YOU ARE THE RAY OF HOPE
IN THE DARKEST HOURS OF MY LIFE
YOU ARE THE FRIEND INSTILLING COURAGE
WHEN IT IS TIME TO STRIVE
YOU ARE THE SHOULDER TO CRY
WHEN MY HEART IS BRUISED
YOU ARE THE ONLY SUPPORTER
WHEN I AM ACCUSED
YOU ARE THE MOST HAPPIEST
WHEN I SUCCEED IN EVERY STEP
YOU ARE THE HELPING HAND
WHEN I FALL DOWN TO A DEPTH
YOU MAKE ME FEEL WANTED
WHEN I AM SHUNNED BY ALL
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL
THE SUCCESS I ACHIEVE ON EVERY FALL
YOU ARE MY FAITH MY BELIEF
YOUR ARMS ARE A HEAVENLY BLISS
WHEN I RETIRE TO YOU TIRED OF THE WORLD
WHY DO I NEED ABOUT ANY ELSE BOTHER
FOR I HAVE MY MOTHER AND I NEED NO OTHER

Love Untold

It was one of those crisp April mornings when the wispy sky reflected the happiness in the air. The sunshine and the spring gave a reason to smile. But how could she especially after what had happened yesterday. It had almost become a daily custom now. With a frown, not wanting to open her eyes, she lay still, recollecting the happenings of yesterday.
Nathan was a wannabe, a prize catch of the circuit. She was a glam doll herself but not as pulsating as Nathan. Gifted with striking features and coupled with brains there was no one you could draw parallels to with Nathan. He was the ad-man of the genre, extremely talented and always wanted. He was a man of sorts but not unblemished. The hitch was that he was of a very shy disposition. Akriti was just the opposite bold, dashing, and out-spoken. She dint ponder over things for a long time thus taking irrational decisions sometimes. She was however very vulnerable.
It had been one of the usual parties. Of late Akriti had noticed soon upon arrival Nathan would be driven away from her by a group of aspiring models or “important clientele”. He was too busy during the day too. Since she hadn’t worked after marriage she left over and lonely. He was that day too absorbed within a flicker of thought and was gone leaving her alone. At night they had had the same row of her being neglected. She was contemplating divorce now.
She got up and walked into the kitchen. He was not at home as usual. She found a note on the coffee table. Her heart skipped a beat as she unfolded the letter and read Nathan’s handwriting,
“Akriti-
Please read through. Yesterday night I had a dream. We were walking on a beautiful winding path around a river. We were enjoying the tranquility of the moment. It led to a mountain and we walked on. The road started becoming steeper and more difficult to tread through but we walked holding each other. At one juncture you saw a beautiful wild flower and asked me to get it for you. Going there and getting it for you would have cost me my life. You knew this but to test my love you said’ “if you love me get me the flower”. I dint get you the flower and I want to tell you why.
Its not that I loved my life more than you but it is because I wanted you to spend every living moment being happy and not add a single tear in your tomorrow. I want to give you a reason to smile. I want to hold your hand and journey through life. I want to look into your eyes and realize the beautiful dreams we saw together and turn them into reality. I want to love you more and get you everything that you ever wanted (except perhaps the flower).
I know I’ve not been able to give you much time lately but it was because I busy trying to fulfill all our dreams and make give you a better tomorrow. I wanted to give us a secure and comfortable future. I’ve realized how silly I’ve been. Maybe I should’ve told you before that the keys to our new car are in your drawer and I was busy trying to get the right color.
I love you a lot Akriti, you complete me and my world. You give me a reason to get up every morning. You add meaning to my life and make it more fruitful. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and loving you more. I know I’ve been foolish and I’m sorry and now if you think you have forgiven me can you please open the door I’m standing there with our today’s eggs, bread and milk.”